Week 22: Contempt
Weekly Chapters:
Nehemiah 8-Job 12
Passage of the Week:
Esther 1:17-18
Noun:
Active despising
Lack of respect and reverence
Willful disobedience or open disrespect in court against judged or legislative body
Feeling moral superiority over others
Thesaurus:
Apathy
Malice
Condescension
Mockery
Division
Ridicule
Distaste
Father God,
As we move into the emotion of contempt, please grant me the wisdom to see my contemptuous spirit. Give me the power to stand up to my thoughts of contempt against others and give me the courage to recognize my destructive behaviors. Help me find the source of these feelings to overcome them and be the person You designed me to be.
Amen
Authentic vulnerability:
I must say that I do and have felt contempt, contempt for a person in authority. I am not proud of it – I realize it, yet I still think the way I do today. There was a boss; I couldn’t stand the guy, I didn’t respect him, I did not feel that he was leading our team, and in fact, I felt that he was all in it for his career and what would build his career. There I said it, the ugly truth of my rebellion and lack of respect for authority over me. This lack of respect makes my life very difficult. This choice I have made, again this choice which I have made creates difficulty for me. My choice equals a more difficult life. So what do I do?
What is your Authentic Truth?
Study:
Contempt does not just get turned on one day out of nowhere. The Gottman Institute has studied relationships, and Dr. John Gottman has identified “the Four Horsemen” of marriage communication that can lead to significant problems in a marriage. The Gottman Institute says, “contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about one’s partner, and it arrives in the form of an attack on someone’s sense of self.”
In Esther, we can see both Haman’s contempt against Mordecai and Mordecai‘s contempt against Haman. Mordecai refused to bow down to Haman after King Xerxes appointed Haman over the nobles (Esther chapter 3). Likely due to the Jewish disdain of the Agagite people going back to Samuel (where Saul conquered the Agagite people, spared King Agag, and was punished by God for not following God’s will). Mordecai’s refusal to bow down to Haman created contempt in Haman, who worked with the King to complete a degree to kill the Jewish race.
It is funny that I can see this contempt each man had for the other and call it silly, yet I cannot let go of my feelings of contempt against my past boss—who is human with human flaws just like mine.
We see contempt often in marriage – often as the end of a marriage, according to Gottman. But we see it in our lives as well – a wedge that will not allow us to grow. So how do we release feelings of contempt? According to Women’s Day magazine, five things can help (paraphrased below):
1. Look out for your passive-aggressive tendencies
a. Eye rolls
b. Sneering
2. Look at your expectations; are they realistic? Really? Can you compromise?
3. Turn it back on yourself. “Why does this behavior bother me so much?”
4. Listen deeper
5. When you voice your feelings remove blame using “I feel” statements versus “You do” statements
Now I’m sure that Mordecai and Haman could have had this dialogue, but we see that this contempt destroyed Haman and all of his family.
In the sermon on the mount, Jesus provides several short lessons for the people, including the Beatitudes (Matthew 5:3-12). Jesus calls the people the salt of the earth, the light giving flavor and light (Matthew 5:13-16). Then Jesus speaks to anger with each other, Jesus tells us to let it go, reconcile before contempt breeds. Jesus says to settle disputes quickly (Matthew 5:21-26).
Contempt breeds pain.
Contempt breeds heartache, frustration, sadness, and anger.
A wise person once said, “let go and let God.”
Father God,
I see what contempt did to both Haman and Mordecai. I do not want to be burdened by feelings of contempt any longer. It poisons me and makes me ugly and unhealthy on the inside. Give me tools to overcome these feelings and return to living like You want me to. I love You, Lord.
Amen.
Homework:
Look at your feelings of contempt. We all have them whether they are against a spouse, boss, world leader.
Turn the feelings inward and ask, “why does this behavior bother me?”
Journal on this and ask, “Are my expectations too high?” “Can I compromise?”
If you feel that you cannot get over these feelings, seek professional help.
